I can hear them talking to me as I stand bewildered and naked in front of my closet staring at the little I have hanging there, most of which are pieces from a season gone by.
Wait a minute. I’m not talking about turning over one’s closet from season to season. All my clothes fit in my closet. All at one time. Spring, Summer, Winter, and Fall. There is no packing away the Winter clothes and airing out of the Spring ones. They all live happily together all year round. What you see is all I have.
Do I sound selfish? Probably. However, before you accuse me of selfishness, read on with an open mind, for this post isn’t so much a whine about a lack of clothing as much as it is about the lack of a wardrobe that actually fits. A wardrobe that actually fits both my physical shape and my personality.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that the past 6 months have brought about many changes. Actually the changes began 2 years ago, but I’ve only been writing about them within the past year. As a family, we’ve dealt with job issues for George, issues that permeated into our daily lives at home, health issues for George and Harper which were heavy and draining, a restlessness of my creative desires urging me to seek ways to further my talents, the decrease of personal finances as I left a lucrative coaching business in order to be present for my kids, the beginning of new business with Mary Kay, and now, the faithful leap into writing.
You’ve read how all these things have effected me emotionally and spiritually. I have not shared how they have effected me physically. And once again, before you say to yourself, “You are fine. You look great!” Let me say, I don’t feel great.
Daily exercise has become an activity of the past except for a Saturday morning workout class and a rare hustle on the elliptical machine. A shoulder injury and possible foot surgery have been a part of this, to be certain, but mainly, my lack of exercise has been solely due to physical fatigue.
I have desired and hoped and tried and tried again at getting back to a good solid workout routine. And yet, I’ve never been able to recover the discipline I once had.
However, this post is not meant to be a pity party, although it may sound like I’m having one. Nope. This post is a release of what was and the acceptance of of a new design for me.
No one can come out of the 2 years that I’ve had and be the same person with the same disciplines, same schedule, same desires and goals, same daily structure, and the same physical body. I’ve been trying to return to what I knew and how I lived, when in truth, I’m not the same person any longer. I’ve been attempting to regain my old workout routines, only to find myself frustrated at my inability to keep up the schedule, and thus, I stop trying completely. It’s a cycle that just goes on and on and on.
What I’ve not realized until today is that I am in the process of painting a completely new picture of my life and thus, working out as I once did, just doesn’t make sense anymore. I have already repainted the picture of my professional goals and have made changes to further them. Why not the same with my physical goals?
So, why all the talk about Stacey and Clinton?
Because if they saw my wardrobe, they too would say I am trying to live in the style of days gone by. By my own admission, I am not built for the majority of the clothing in my closet. It is filled with pieces that emphasize what used to be my best physical assets. I really don’t care to spend day after day working on a flat stomach any longer. And thus, the lower waist jeans or the tighter shirts need to go. AND THAT’S OK!
My favorite outfit, the one which I feel looks the best on me and fits my personality to a T is my Easter outfit from this year. When George saw me in it he went nuts . . .:) I think it was mainly due to the shoes. The red shoes. When I saw myself in the outfit I felt like me. It’s not a teeny bopper outfit. It doesn’t cause muffin top. It’s not a tank top. It’s not fitted. It’s fun and artistic.
I’m not giving up exercise. That’s just plain unhealthy. I’m not copping out. I am, however, changing the way I approach it. My body image from my commercial days (where I had to be trim) continued on into my non-commercial days and post baby days, where I worked and yearned and begged to continue being trim. I don’t need to be trim. I need to be healthy. Who am I trying to impress? I will continue my Saturday morning class. I will get on that elliptical 3 days a week and I’ll try and pick up a yoga class here and there. And that’s just fine for the me I am now! And later, when I have kids in school all day, that may change. I am going to choose to live for now – not what was – not what will be. Now. No more quitting because I can’t keep up with how I used to exercise. A new plan for a new time.
What does that mean for my closet? I want clothes that feel great. That don’t tug. That are my personality. That don’t necessarily rely on Spanks. I’ve already loaded up a bunch to be donated . . . and I picked up a few “new” things today at the thrift store where I always find treasures.
Stacey and Clinton, you would be proud of me. And, if you feel like putting me on your show, I’ll get rid of all of it all just to see you. To be honest, it’s not that I have a ton of crap, like many of your guests, but rather, I hardly have anything. So, if you choose me, I will come willingly. And I’ll bring everything.
Everything but the red shoes.